The Pirate Economics Song
by Beautiful Lady
Summary: For anyone who has ever wondered about the economic viability of piracy…and really wanted someone, preferably Jack Sparrow, to sing about it. If I'm the only one like that, then just read it for fun.


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The Pirate Economics Song (Jack Sparrow, he's a Pirate)

For anyone who has ever wondered about the economic viability of piracy…and really wanted someone, preferably Jack Sparrow, to sing about it.  If there's no one out there like that except me, than this is for the rest of you who just wanted something funny to read…

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Jack Sparrow is standing on the deck of the Black Pearl, surrounded by stolen goods and treasure.  He looks exceedingly pleased with himself.  All around him, the crew of the Black Pearl is counting money and cheering, seemingly oblivious to the decimated city behind them, a victim of their piracy.  Will Turner is standing away from the scene, disgusted by the entire prospect.  Mr. Gibbs and Anamaria are standing nearby, just as happy as the rest of the crew at the sizeable haul.  

WILL:  I really don't think I can tolerate this any longer.  Piracy is deplorable!  The men on the Black Pearl have no morals!  They steal, they plunder, they pillage!  From what I see, the world is a worse place because of Jack Sparrow and his crew…

MR. GIBBS (putting down the bucket and mop he was using to swab the deck, because that's what pirates do if they're not counting treasure and pillaging): Well, I think that's because you're not seeing the larger picture.  Piracy is a true boon to society.

WILL: A boon? How in the world could piracy be beneficial at all?  

ANAMARIA (matter-of-factly): It's all a delicate balance maintained by consumer demands and supply ratios…

MR. GIBBS: Too right!  You see, boy, Jack Sparrow is an economic genius.  He knows all the ins and outs of piracy and the difficulties of maintaining a pirate ship in a government controlled market economy. 

WILL: Market…economy?

MR. GIBBS: Don't tell me ya don't know!  Miss Elizabeth, please educate the boy!

ELIZABETH (skips onto the deck, seemingly emerging from nowhere): With Pleasure!  

All the pirates line up behind Elizabeth and start swaying back and forth just as jaunty music begins to play mysteriously.   Where does the music come from?  We don't know.  Why do all the pirates know the words to the song?  We don't know that, either.  Why are the pirates dancing?  That's a whole different story…but the son's rather catchy, all things considered.  Elizabeth grabs a Jack-esque pirate hat, settles it onto her head at a rakish angle and begins singing.  

ELIZABETH:

_True he may be unwashed, _

_His gold teeth tarnished some,_

_But when it comes to economics,_

_Our __Jack__'s a clever one!  _

_He understands the market,_

_He knows just what to do_

_To ration funds and spending_

_To support his pirate crew!_  

Much to Will's surprise, all the pirates begin singing in perfect harmony….

CHORUS:

_Oh! Jack Sparrow, he's a pirate,_

_And a darn fine one at that!_

_He's the man, the only one_

_Who can keep his coin purse fat!  _

_He may not walk a straight line,_

_Or have an honest look,_

_But our savvy pirate captain,_

_Can crook a damn fine book!  _

The music gets quiet for a minute while Mr. Gibbs begins talking to Will who is horrified by the sight of grown pirates doing a Chorus line. 

MR. GIBBS: Why, when it comes right down to it, Captain Sparrow's the only man I know who can successfully estimate the gross profits to be made from a ransacked city simply by the look of the place!  He knows where to hit and where to skip.  I wonder how he does it…

Suddenly, Jack jumps right in front of Will and Mr. Gibbs, gives a charming smile and strikes a dramatic pose.

JACK: I'll be glad to show you, mate!  

Jack is suddenly standing in front of a classroom full of pirates.  They all sway in time with the music and swing their fists back and forth.  Behind Jack is a chalkboard filled with helpful diagrams concerning piracy and looting.  Jack picks up a pointer stick and begins to sing…

JACK:

_It's true that I'm a thief, you see,_

_But I pull all my own weight,_

_Because the market without robbery,_

_Would be in such bad shape!  _

ANAMARIA (nodding her head emphatically):

_It's very, very, very, very_

_True you see _

_That a market, without robbery_

_Would be in rotten shape!  _

CHORUS:

_A very, very, sad, sad state!_

MR. GIBBS:

_So __Jack__ balances and he figures,_

MR. COTTON'S PARROT: Whinny the sails, whinny the sails…

MR. TWIGG (rotting in a jail somewhere and throwing darts at a picture of Jack):

He's such a clever man! 

ELIZABETH (swooning over a picture of Jack next to her bed):

_His understanding of inflation, _

_Makes every girl a fan!_

JACK:

_By following the ebbs and flows _

_Of investments and development_

_I know just what I need to do _

_To __Rob__ a nice, quaint settlement!_

The music dies down while the classroom of pirates begin scribbling notes furiously.  

Back on the deck of the Black Pearl, Will looks even sicker and somewhat green around the edges when the pirates commence a cheerleading routine ("Give me a 'J'! Give me an 'A'….")…

WILL: Mr. Gibbs, I just don't see how it is that a pirate could know so much about economics.  It doesn't make any sense.  Economics is all about rules and a pirate lives by disregarding them! 

MR. GIBBS: Aye!  That's the truth, boy!  But you don't know the whole sad tale of Captain Jack Sparrow!

The classroom set goes completely dark save for a single spotlight shining down on Jack who dramatically removes his hat and starts to sing…

JACK:

_Life is so unnerving, for a servant who's not serving,_

_He's not whole without a soul to wait upon!_

_Oh, those good old days when we were useful,_

_Suddenly those good, old days are gone…._

ELIZABETH (in an exaggerated whisper):

Psst!  Wrong musical!

JACK (looks embarrassed): Accursed Disney! Ahem!  I mean….

_When I was a young, strapping lad,_

_I noticed the awful, awful fad,_

_That certain tariffs and taxes hurt_

_Me hardworking mum and dad!  _

CHORUS (a tear in every eye):

His dear, sweet mom and daaaaaad!!!! 

JACK:

_It wasn't until the blessed day,_

_When a pirate ship attacked,_

_That my family ever caught a break,_

_And got the collectors off their backs!_

_The damage caused by those pirates _

_Meant the villagers could appropriate _

_Large loans from the Bank of __England__ at_

_Remarkably low, low interest rates!!!!_  

CHORUS:

At very, very, low, low rates!!! 

GOVERNOR SWAN (at his office, staring down at his books with a confused frown):

It must have just been fate… 

MR. GIBBS (doing a jig on the Black Pearl):

To get such low, low rates! 

ELIZABETH (pasting pictures of Jack onto her ceiling):

Oh, yes, it must have just been fate… 

WILL (feeling a headache form): GET ON WITH THE BLOODY SONG ALREADY!!!

ALL: Ahem!!!

JACK:

_Seeing that the pirates' theft,_

_Helped my family make do,_

_I wondered if I had the knack_

_To become a pirate, too!_

_It couldn't be done with tax law,_

_And a soldier had no sway_

_But I could be a pirate,_

_And help to save the day!_

_I'd steal all of the booty,_

_And rob all the towns blind!_

_The resultant period of recovery,_

_Would pay them back in kind!  _

_After they were rich, I thought,_

_They couldn't hate me much,_

_So I'd just torch their villages,_

_And steal their loot and such!_

A flashback scene shows happy, simple villagers standing around while Jack and a surly lot of pirates trash their town.  They wave and cheer for Jack who takes the time to kiss a few babies before hauling the swag away on the Black Pearl.  "Promise to come back!" a village woman shouts.  "No worries! I promise I'll come back!" Jack replies.  Strangely, this makes the people even happier.  A few blood curdling screams come from a nearby hotel as fire engulfs the building.  The spires of the church fall over and the villagers smile and wave at Jack, hoping he packed something to eat…

The flashback ends.  Everyone takes a moment to be horrified by the scene.  The music halts.  Jack only shrugs when everyone stares at him.  Then, they all shrug, too.  The singing begins again…

CHORUS:

_Ohhhhhhhhhhh__! Jack Sparrow, he's a pirate,_

_And a darn fine one, you see!_

_The Robin Hood of water_

_Is a friend to you and me!  _

_He may not shave too often,_

_And talks a lot of trash,_

_But our fine pirate captain,_

_Can help you with your cash!  _

ANAMARIA and ELIZABETH (fighting over Jack's hat, tug-of-war style): 

_His understanding of international trade laws_

_Has won our girlish hearts!_

_Jack__'s quite a hero of money maintenance _

_And we hope we never part!!!_

Anamaria gets Elizabeth in a headlock and snatches the hat away when Elizabeth can no longer breathe…

COMMODORE NORRINGTON (hugging a Jack Sparrow action figure while dancing around on the fort):

Yes, I hope we never part!!! 

The music comes to a crashing halt.  It is suddenly eerily quiet save for the sound of crickets chirping and even they sound disturbed.  The whole cast stares at Norrington with horrified expressions.  Will looks like he really might vomit.

ALL: WHAT?

COMMODORE NORRINGTON (embarrassed): Oops, I mean: I wish his name was "Bart"….?

ELIZABETH (even more worried): Ummm…is there something we should know?

COMMODORE NORRINGTON (sneaking off stage): Ah, ha, ha…no…nope…nothing at all…ahem….WELLLLL!  Back to the song!!! 

Norrington darts off stage.  There is an extended pause. The cast blinks at each other in confusion.  Back at the classroom, the silence allows everyone to hear what Jack is saying to the pirates/students…

JACK: Essentially, structuralism de-emphasizes the role of the author in interpreting the work.  Post-structuralism, however, represents a slight return to valuing author intent.  It's a fascinating theory when considering the relationship between author and reader, wouldn't you say?

PIRATE CLASSROOM: Ummmmmm….er…..um………. 

JACK: And now that we've got some rudimentary literary theory under our belts, lets move on to its connection to the Battle of Waterloo….

Everyone just sort of stares at Jack who is oblivious to the attention.  The crickets go on for a bit longer then take a lunch break.  The music begins again.

CHORUS (still dancing in perfect synchronization):

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Jack Sparrow, he's a pirate! 

JACK (in a tavern waving a flagon of rum back and forth):

And I drink a lot of rum! 

_But when I'm sober I hold dear_

_The GNP _

_Of countries far and near!!!_

ANAMARIA (buying souvenirs at the "Pirates of the Caribbean" gift shop): 

Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Jack Sparrow, he's a pirate! 

COMMODORE NORRINGTON (getting a Jack Sparrow tattoo on his arm and hoping no one recognizes him in the tattoo parlor):

And one who's hard to catch! The man is such a tricky cad, 

_But when it comes to business,_

_I guess he's not so bad!_

CHORUS:

But when it comes to businessssssssss…… 

ALL:

We GUESS he's NOT sooooooooo BAAAAAAAAAAD!!! 

Back at the classroom….

JACK: (drawing a diagram on the board) So, as you can see, the action of the battle can be drawn in the shape of an "A" with Napoleon's troops….here.  See?  Victor Hugo has a delightfully detailed description of the battle in "Les Miserables." But that doesn't even begin to explain how all of this is connected to the development of naval history! (begins laughing heartily)

PIRATE CLASSROOM:  Ummmmm…..er…….

CHORUS: 

Ohhhhhhh! Jack Sparrow, he's a pirate! 

MR. TWIGG:

And a bloody stealin' cheat! 

_If I was out of jail and free,_

_I'd break his neck just for fun_

_Then have a cupa tea! _

WILL: Tea?

MR. TWIGG: It was the only thing that rhymed well with "free"….give me a break, I'm in prison!

WILL: Oh, sorry about that…

MR. TWIGG: 'S'all right.  No harm done.  You wouldn't happen to have a spoon, would ya?

On the deck of the Black Pearl…

WILL: Wow, I guess I never realized the financial benefits of larceny and pillaging.  Not to mention the strange connection between naval battles and literary theory!

ANAMARIA: Wait till Jack explains how space travel will one day be possible thanks to the invention of the bagpipe!  

ALL: Wow!!!

CHORUS: 

_Ohhhhhhhhhhh__! Jack Sparrow, he's a pirate,_

_And the best one we have seen!_

_The benefits of living wrong_

_Keep us on Sparrow's team!  _

Sure theft and raiding would count as sins 

_In the holy books we've read,_

_But while we're alive, money's king_

_So we'll worry when we're dead!  _

_If __Jack__ says it, it must be true_

_So we'll stick right by his side! _

_Our pride in knowing such a man_

_Is something we can't hide!!!!_

ALL: 

NO WE JUST CAN'T HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE! 

MR. COTTON'S PARROT:Deconstruction, deconstruction__

The whole cast gathers for a grand finale…

ALL: 

JACK SPARROW, HE'S A PIRATE! 

JACK: Savvy?

The music ends and the whole cast takes a bow.  The classroom full of pirates throw flowers at Jack who is most humble and appreciative.  Will walks right up to Jack and shakes his hand.  Jack sneakily wipes his hand off while Will isn't looking…

Meanwhile, Elizabeth pulls some stealth maneuvers to retrieve Jack's hat from Anamaria while Norringtion is called up for inquiry after his tattoo is discovered…… 

~End?~


End file.
